Wednesday, February 21, 2007
IT TAKES MORE THAN SPERM
As you've probably noticed from previous posts, I'm passionate about parenting. I especially like to write about fatherhood. One reason is that dads need to step up and do their job when it comes to raising their children (Ephesians 6:4). Steve Farrar says in his book Anchor Man, "If we stay on the current course, one day the United States will be known as the country of the founding fathers ... with no fathers to be found..."
A few years ago there was a full page ad in USA Today that was divided from top to bottom in to two columns. One the left-hand side of the page it simply said: What it takes to be a father. Underneath was a blown-up, magnified picture of a single sperm. On the right-hand side of the page the heading read:
What it takes to be a dad.
- Read to your children.
- Keep your promises.
- Go for walks together.
- Let your children help with household projects.
- Spend time one-on-one with each child.
- Tell your children about your childhood.
- Go to the zoo, museums, ball games as a family.
- Set a good example.
- Help your children with their homework.
- Show your children lots of warmth and affection.
- Set clear, consistent limits.
- Consider how your decisions will affect your children.
- Listen to your children.
- Know your children's friends.
- Take your children to work.
- Open a savings account for your children.
- Resolve conflict quickly.
- Take your children to a place of worship.
- Make a kite together.
- Fly a kite together.
It takes more than sperm to be a dad, it takes a man to be a dad. And it takes commitment.
How do you feel about this? Have fathers generally done their job as a dad? Why was it necessary for the USA Today to have an ad like this in their paper?
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21 Comments:
The Cricket Court low income apt complex in Lubbock has 150 units. Recently I went to lunch with the manager of those apts who reports to our staff that only one unit has a father.
I have been to Cricket Court in the evening hours around sunset in the summer when it is warm out. I have seen literally hundreds of children playing in the court yard and in the parking lot. I do not exaggerate. I have seen about 30 older boys playing football in the tarmac while the teen and preteen girls watch and praise them. In the court yard I see perhaps 20 young mothers talking, some of whom literally have two rug rats clining to each leg while holding a baby. And the talk coming out of everyone's mouths is foul. And the preschool age and elementary age kids flood the courtyard running wild hooping and hollering.
And in the whole panorama, there is not one single father to be found! I am not kidding. It is absolutely heart breaking.
I say the church needs to get out from between the walls of her bunker and invade that place. The need for "positive male role models" is overwhelming.
The manager tells us that now days the teen boys are selling drugs and kicking back some profits to these mothers who then keep quiet about it. Thus they provide for their families as the men of the houses.
I see fancy gangsta cars with their knifty wheels spinning and glistining in the street light cruising through the lot from time to time. They are filling the void the fathers and the church have left these kids in. On the day of judgment, the king will seperate the sheep and the goats. The sheep with go with him because they cared for such as these.
As I think about fathering and parenting, I cannot get these kids off my mind. They are in my heart every day.
Many blessings...
That is really heartbreaking, MG. I have limited exposure to that kind of situation (though I'm honestly working on that, & you are inspirational for me), but I do work with a teenager who has no father-figure and is obviously struggling with her life and finding her place. I have really enjoyed getting to know her and hope to gain her trust soon.
On the wall of my home, while growing up, was a plaque that we kids gave my dad (though it was really picked out by my mom). It said: "Any man can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a Dad." My Dad and my husband both are excellent dads. Though my husband has some growing to do in the spiritual realm, he has a Christian background when it comes to love, moral-teaching, discipline & consistency, and he has done a good job of giving our kids a good foundation. (I can absolutely NOT complain about Dan's fathering skills!)
Another point, my husband is a first-year teacher, so sometimes he has some observations that have become old-hat to other, more experienced teachers. Dan told me last night that the kids in his class that are generally "good" kids -- well-behaved, bright, respectful of him and other authority figures -- are the ones with "good," involved parents who care (parents, plural). The ones that are "problem children," are the ones who are missing fathers, have broken homes, neglectful parents, or parents who just don't care how their kids treat others. I think our society has been declining because of the increase in broken homes. I know single moms CAN do it by themselves, but kids in general just turn out better when they have two loving parents who care enough to raise children to respect others. And I know we can all agree that's why God designed marriage and parenting with TWO.
Well, I just rambled on and didn't say anything that you didn't already know. But I think the more we discuss how our society (and families, especially) needs to change, the more we actually need to DO to bring about that change. So, let's work on that together!
Lisa,
Thanx for those kind words! And I appreciate your efforts to love a lost child. Keep it up. And you are right, we need to CHANGE a lot.
You have blessed me.
Many blessings to you.
I am in my corner of my world. I am very proud of my two kids. And I believe you are in your corner. We just have to work toward one another. Just like evangelism.
Have fathers generally done their job as dad? Hey, they generally haven't done their job as those who supposedly have the equipment to possess the sperm.
-God's Recruiting Poster-
Still Looking For A Few Good MEN
Why is the ad necessary? Because we have systematically 'feminized' the male population under the guise of equality. It is nice and interesting but a female can't tell a male how to be a man. For two generations most women have only raised him to NOT BE the kind of man she hates. It takes a godly father to teach his son how to be a godly man and to teach his daughter what to expect in a godly man.
AW
I'm glad that USA Today ran this ad but very surprised that they did.
We had a male sub at school the other day and the kids were in awe. I explained to him that most of these kids don't have dads and the ones they do aren't exactly that great. It's sad but a real problem in our country. Definately something we need to address.
Good post.
I'm glad that USA Today ran this ad but very surprised that they did.
We had a male sub at school the other day and the kids were in awe. I explained to him that most of these kids don't have dads and the ones they do aren't exactly that great. It's sad but a real problem in our country. Definately something we need to address.
Good post.
Great post and powerful list. Have you seen the 12 steps to raise delinquent children?
http://www.av1611.org/othpubls/raisekid.html
It will make you think.
Wow, Monica, that does make you think. I'm really impressed that that was put out by a police department.
Interesting comments by all. MG always gives us something to challenge us. I appreciate his ministry.
AW I like you poster idea. And I think Monica's 12 Step poster needs to be posted somewhere too.
I really don't know how many of the visitors I have on this blog are actually men, but I hope those who do stop by feel challenged. Dads hold a tremendous amounts of power in the lives of their children.
Check this out...
When dads are active:
* School performance is higher; children are less likely to fail. A recent study showed that when dads are involved with their kids, SAT and TAK tests are 38% highter.
* In terms of behavior, youngsters without an active dad, reguardless of economic level or race, are four times more likely to get in to trouble in school than when dad is involved.
* Greater ambition, respect for the opposite sex and stronger sexual identity are also characteristics of children who have active fathers.
There's more, but I think we get the idea.
I almost hate posting things like this, because I know there are many single moms out there going, "great, my kids have 2 strikes against them because their dad's not active." All I can say is hang in there and don't give up. Get a grandfather, uncle or someone with male influence involved.
I remember when my dad died and I was a little boy, my uncle stepped in and filled the "male" influence roll. As a little boy I still remember how important it was to me to have him as an influence.
Lisa ... I'm glad Dan is a good dad. You are blessed in that way.
Being a father is almost overwhelming. I want so much for my children. Asking myself do I read to my children enough is like asking do I pray enough. I pray and trust that God will use me in spite of my short comings, which are many.
There is generally a different mindset today than there was a generation or two back. I am glad to see the development of mens minstry. But I caution myself and encourage you to remember the lesson of 2 Chron 10. We must listen to wise counsel from the mature. It is tempting to listen to the modern voice.
Many on the list are good but two are essential I think. Set a good example. Some of the activities might not fit with your child. Sometimes I get so busy. It is tempting to read something like this list and check it off and say I am a good dad because I did what somebody else said I should. Listening to your child will tell you what those activites should be.
Yes there are many desperate situations and we need to do something. Say a prayer with me for fathers.
James
So, we understand the problem... anyone have a solution?
I think it's great if a mother can get another male to be involved in place of an absent father but...the truth is that there is not a long line of men somewhere, waiting or willing, to step in to one of these empty positions. Often, mothers find it very difficult to fill these positions from within their own families as they themselves may have missed out on these male connections as well. Besides, how does a mother approach a possible "substitute" dad?
I see the problem every day. I don't know how to solve it. I wish I did! I wish every "good" dad would just be willing to take one less fortunate child, (male or female), under his guidance.
It's so frustrating and so unfair to the children who get caught up in the abandonment. It creates such an unfair disadvantage that follows them forever. I wish every child had the opportunity to experience the modeling of a "good" dad.
But I think the "good" dads have to make the first move and take the initiative.
NB
You bring up a lot of very good points. Unfortunately, there's not as many good answers. As men it's often overwhelming just reaching out to our own kids. But I did talk in Bible study that I taught tonight from Psalms 127 that teaches that "children are like arrow in the hands of warriors." We aim the arrows and then we have to let them loose. As one raising and aiming 4 arrows (or children) I need help aiming them. I asked the other men and women to step up and help aim them in the right direction. They'll do this by example, praise and words of wisdom. I believe that's where church comes in. I want the church to help me aim my children. I also have to expect to help aim other's children.
So you're question is a great question. Who's out there that can help us? AND who do we need to help?
nb,
I hear ya. I feel ya. I mean it.
I have some thoughts to offer here, but I do not presume that they are the final word. I think they are the beginning, not the end. But I believe in them all the same.
First off, I think “It takes a village!” Limbaugh gave that notion a bad name because Hillary entitled her book with it, but don’t let that fool ya. She was right. It takes a village. But even more, it takes God’s village –the church. We need, as the body of Christ, to take seriously going into single parent homes and purposefully becoming surrogate uncles and brothers (and aunts and sisters). In agricultural society, that was the norm. The modern way of isolation and the myth of rugged individualism is like the check that came back marked “insufficient funds” –thank you MLK.
This village mentality is the norm for the church in ACTS 2 and 4. The church that lives, eats, prays, plays, sells everything they own and goes to jail together, stays together –and overcomes the world! And that is where the cash value for the church is.
I say, go barging into the poor districts with balloons and hotdogs on a Saturday afternoon, you and as many Christians as you can gather, and feed the kids. I assure you that the parents will not care. You would, but not them. And while you are playing and singing and visiting with them, ask if you can pick them up for church on Sunday. I promise nearly every single parent will let them go with you, just for the asking. Amazing, I know, because you would want to do back ground checks, but these parents will be glad to be rid of them for an hour! Go figure. And then come back for them Sunday.
They will make an absolute mad house out of your worship service! So What? Jesus said, do not keep them back. Let them come to me. And tell your worship team to start singing the hand clappy songs. It is detrimental. When it comes time for a prayer, teach the children to clasp their hands and bow their heads. When the communion tray comes around, tell them to only take ONE piece of cracker. Only ONE cup of juice. Explain to them what it means in a language they can understand. They will LOVE you for it! I GUARRANTEE it. And they will steal the hearts of the congregation. And then start having pot luck meals on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, -you know, like in the Bible! And feed these kids every day! Help them with their homework and stuff while you got them. Have movie night at the church house on Friday nights. Pop popcorn for the kids –as a congregation! (What has the Body of Christ got something BETTER to do on Friday nights? -if so, then I suggest you take the name “church” off the building.) Make it a way of life, not just a weekend punch card thing. And love people, really…
Hey, it is just a start. But if the church would really do it, then the world would really change. Think about it.
Many blessings…
Trey, I've never considered the general struggle that men, ("good" dads), may face in reaching out to their own children.
As I have said, I don't have the answers but every attempt to fill this need helps. In my community we have a fairly new program called "Church Buddies". Kids can sign up to attend a church with, and as a part of, a family in the community who also signs up for the opportunity. It's a start.
MG, you have some good ideas, thanks for sharing them. Please remember that not all fatherless children come from the poor districts. Sometimes we overlook the fatherless children whose basic needs are being met. Many times families can hide behind their possessions... but the children still suffer, often in silence.
Within the church we don't often see this need because the children in need are usually not there. When families fall apart, they often give up on attending church. It's not right, but it happens all the time. And once one generation falls away, the road back is even more difficult.
Thanks for the post Trey! It's a tough subject, but well worth discussing.
nb,
It is true that not all fatherless kids are from the poor districts. But much of what I have offered will work for them too. Just be more creative in your approach. It is no excuse not to address the problem whole heartedly.
I would add that if you are not welcome in some whom, dust your feet and move on. But I suspect the once the prophetic vision has been caught in your community, the pretentions will begin to disappear. Needy is needy. And our world is needy.
Many blessings...
nb, It is a tough subject. I like to post about things I struggle with and need answers for. I appreciate your heart in wanting to find answers. And I appreciate MG willingness to help with suggestions.
I really appreciate nb's comment. When I was a single mother with two jr high/high school boys, it was very difficult to find positive male role models who weren't too busy with their own lives or wanting a date. And before my first husband became a Christian, it was even more difficult. I don't know what the answer is but I know from experience that there is a problem. I also know our that the television is not a good replacement for either parent.
Good post
Peace
Neva
Neva ... I always love it when you put in your 2-cents-worth, because it's always worth much more than two cents. You have so much to offer in wisdom....
I am not sure how much to reveal, but I will reveal some....I grew up as the child of a single parent. I was born out of wedlock to a beautiful young lady. My biological father was more of a friend I saw on weekend than the father I needed.
My grandfather tried to fill that role, but he could not, he was a grandfather.
When I was 8 years old a wonderful man married my mother and I called him "Dad" from their serious dating days. At the age of 13 I was adopted by my step-father, it was my decision to be adopted.
This man, my father, is the greatest man I know and I needed that male influence as a father in my early years. In fact, because of my father, I am preaching.
I still see and talk to my biological father, but he is still a friend, not a father.
Men are needed and they are needed to step up to the plate and do it now.
I thank God daily, a man came into my life, brought me hope and security and led a life as a man of God I could admire.
Jsut my 1 an 1/2 cents worth
gallagher,
Amazing ... we kind of have the same background. As mentioned above, my dad died when I was little. When my mom remarried, she married a wonderful man I've known as dad too. He's really the only dad I've ever known. He's been a wonderful dad, treating me like one of his own children. I'm so thankful God blessed me like that.
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