Is it just me or do women seem to make women friends easily? Men aren't so lucky. Men seem uncomfortable having close friendships with other men. Oh, men can golf together, fish together and play cards together, but don't ask men to pray together or encourage one another spiritually. Men are much more comfortable just watching the game and exchanging high-fives when the team scores. But sadly, most men have missed out on spiritual blessings because of their inability to make close spiritual friendships with other men.A man needs brothers in Christ who know him authentically and who are committed to spur him on towards integrity and becoming all that God created him to be. The bottom line fact is that an isolated follower of Jesus is extremely vulnerable to the temptations in today’s world and to the enemy’s schemes. When men choose to go-it-alone spiritually, it's tough. “And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12) Everyone needs a friend ...
- The Lone Ranger had Tonto
- Batman had Robin
- Superman had, well no one, but you're not Superman!
- David had Jonathan.
- Jesus had his friends, the apostles.
We need to be men who are willing to share spiritual struggles and victories with other men whether it looks macho or not. Besides, men, we'll all have six men to carry us when we’re dead, so who’s going to carry us when we’re alive? I will admit that I have been blessed with some very close friendships with other men in my life. Men that have held me accountable and prayed with me on a regular basis. I can't imagine what it would be like not to have other men in my life.
Why do you think Christian men stuggle building open and authentic relationships with other Christian men?
Labels: Accountability, Men
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20 Comments:
Guys do have a problem with this, but I think women do too. It seems to be more of a societal epidemic than an issue that is limited to one gender. Women may seem to talk about more things, but a lot of times our talk is the chick equivalent of guys high-fiving over a game. Lots of volume, not much depth.
Everything is too fast, everyone is too busy, and being vulnerable can be very scary. It often feels safer to stay alone inside a "secure" wall I've built than it is to break down the wall and let people in. Lonely, but safer.
Maybe we're a bunch of chickens?
Trey,
I could not agree any more to that statement! The Lord answered my prayers when we started working out. I had been praying to have accountability.. Thanks for everything bro.. Zach
Fear in men and women make them not
open up, everyone needs a significant other who will listen, be understanding, not judgemental, or quick to give advice and one who will keep their secrets. Real
communication is what makes a close relationship. gmj
Trey, your posts get better every day. I just found your blog last week and have passed several posts along to my accoutnabilty group, small group and wife. Thank you for your insight.
I could not agree more with your post today. I have been in a men's group for over 3 years now. Just to realize that there are men out there that struggle with the same things I do is refreshing. I can't tell you how many times that's ahppened. It give you instant accountability with that person, which to me is the only way out of a problem sometimes.
Keep up the good work man. Todd Steele
The short answer:
Developing an authentic friendship within the context of a shared faith requires a level of vulnerability and trust that other such friendships don't require. This runs counter to our instincts to protect our privacy and not show weakness or need.
Oh, and a correction to your comment about Superman: he has Jimmy Olsen :)
Trey,
This is one area that I certainly need to work on. Being in the ministry makes it particularly difficult to have true trustworthy confidants. I think that makes it that much more important, though.
Peace,
Ray
Trey,
I think the problem is becoming less and less genderized. We are a society that embraces and even promotes the idea of self-sufficiency. It is becoming less and less acceptable for anyone, but especially men, to NEED someone else. Perhaps it is another subtle tool of satan--if he can convince us we dont need each other, he may be able to convince us we dont need Jesus either.
Blessings
Neva
PS
Thanks for the prayers.
Brie, You may be right about the "women have the same problem too." It seems to me that you girls have more intimate relationships than men do. But that may just be my misconception. Maybe a few more women will chime in on this.
Slim Jim - Amen bro!
GMJ - Well said.
e3 - Welcome to the blog. Thanks for stopping by. I'm honored. Accountability hasn't always come easy for me. Being in ministry makes it even tougher to open up. But men in general just seem to not know what they are missing. I can't wait to tell you about a men's bible study I'm having Wednesday night!
Odgie - Thanks for the correction, hadn't thought of ole Jimmy :)
Ray - I think it does make it tough being in ministry. Possibly tougher. Sometimes we want to be seen without fault or some people are uncomfortable knowing that their minister struggles with sin too!
I remember reading "Wild at Heart" which opened a new world for me. I think sometimes being spiritual is equal to being soft in some men's eyes. This is not the case though.
I have 2.5 friends who are male and we bond and with the "2" I open up completely. {The other .5 friend opens up to me completely but doesn't really like to know my ""problems"". ;)}
I do however have 3 other brothers who are 'preaching buddies' that I pray with {even over the phone}.
But in general, I will admit openly that I just don't trust that- that many brothers have MY best interests at heart.
I pray FOR many, many more brothers than I feel comfortable opening up to... part of that is my "preacher" position. We, preachers, aren't supposed to be the can of worms only the can opener. ;)
______
BTW: Jimmy Olsen was not someone Superman would EVER open up to. Jimmy is the classic male friend who always needs YOU but doesn't want to know that Superman needs anyone......
I have been very fortunate in that I have three men in my life who hold me accountable and with whom I have had a deep, spiritual fellowship for many years. It takes being very vulnerable emotionally and spiritually and most men simply are not willing to take that chance ... not even with their wives.
This post really touched me. It's so immensely true. It's SO hard to find an accountability partner. Men don't want to open up... they want to be strong. We aren't strong. Give it up men.
Matthew - excellent book!
AW - I've missed your wit and wisdom. It's nice to have "preaching friends." I couldn't do without mine. And I wholeheartedly agree with you about Jimmy Olsen.
Adam - This is a tough, challenging subject. It is hard for men to deal with this. Men don't like to share their weaknesses or struggles. Me included!
When does it all begin for the men? When they are just toddlers..."don't by a sissy; don't be a crybaby; be a little man; don't act like a girlie by being soft."....all these parental tapes only enforce that a male shouldn't have or show emotion or feelings. But God did not build tear ducts into females only. God did not give emotions and feelings nor the need to share them to females only...though it has historically been much more accepted in the female children.
Maybe the mistakes of our forefathers can be overcome through our children by allowing the males to be very "human" as well as the females. Encourage your children, both male and female, to acknowledge their feelings and emotions and try to help them learn to express them.
Emotionally expressive and emotionally accepting children become the emotionally expressive and emotionally accepting adults. Adults, whether male or female, cannot share or accept what they are taught through parental tapes to deny.
sin #1--pride
"What are we going to do Tonto" says the Lone Ranger as there surrounded by Indians on all sides. Tonto Replies "what do you mean We white Man"
Trey is my frined! :)
The developmental literature confirms that you are correct. When men lose their spouses, often they have lost their best friends and though it is not easier for women than men to lose their spouses, they often have a larger support group. Though women often have more friends than men, this does not predict that the quality of those relationships is greater.
Sometimes female relationships can be extremely destructive (see Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons).
No matter the gender, revealing who you are at the core of your being is a seldom occurance, reserved for the few. David had only one Jonathan in his life.
I think it is good that you want to be counter-cultural and develop male relationships. I pray more men will join your movement.
This is so right on. We need real relationships with other men to help us be better men. We need to hear the stories of those who have gone before, who can lend their sympathy and give hope.
Great post, Trey! I've only realized the importance of the man-to-man relationships in my life in the last few years, and love it. I tell Katie everything, but she can't relate to everything. It feels so good to share things with others who relate.
And, as I'm getting older, I'm trying to be a go-to-guy with younger guys. I want so badly for them to grow up realizing the value of these kind of relationships.
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