To "Dote" means: to be lavish or excessive in one's attention, fondness, or affection for.

I'm not ashamed to say that I love to dote over my wife. Some men don't dote. In fact, some men think it's unmanly to dote. I personally think that real men do dote.

I vividly remember the afternoon. Me and another guy were hanging out when our wives walked in the room. I immediately said, where Lea could hear me, "There's my beautiful wife." The other guy looked at his wife, turned up his nose up and said with a real tough tone, "And there's my wife, but there is nothing beautiful about her."

I remember thinking I'd like to punch him in the mouth, or better yet, I'd hold him and his wife could punch him in the mouth. Instead I shot him a dirty look and told him if he didn't start praising her and building her up he'd be calling me someday with advice on how to win her back. His sarcastic response was, "Real men know how to keep their wives in check and don't need to praise them!" I just shook my head in disgust knowing he was serious and that his wife had heard the whole conversation.

A year later he was sitting in my office seeking help on how to win his wife back because she had just left him. Surprise, surprise!




Maybe real men do dote!

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage

I love my marriage with Lea. It is my greatest and most valued treasure on this earth. After nearly twenty years of marriage, I feel like we have a strong marriage. It's taken a lot of work over the years, and I understand now that the minute I start taking it for granted is the minute it will stop growing. Just like keeping my body in shape takes effort, so does keeping my marriage in shape. I honestly think marriages are in one of two stages, either growing or declining depending upon the effort you're putting in it.

I understand now that the minute I start taking my marrige for granted is
the minute it will stop growing. And just like keeping my body in shape takes effort, so does keeping my marriage in shape.

Thankfully we've overcome some early mistakes we made in our marriage. I've sure made my share. The following are a few of the early mistakes I've made as a husband in my marriage, and I hope other husbands and marriages can learn from them.

• I didn't praise Lea enough publicly or privately. I didn't realize the importance of praise and building up my wife.
  
  
• I thought everything had to be "my way." Thinking you always have to be right is not healthy. Most of the time it's simple pride that gets in the way.
  
  
• I charged things on credit cards (a no-no for young marriages). The number one reason for divorce in our country is financial problems in marriage and credit cards are often at the core of the financial problems. Pay them off and then cut those bad boys up and never use them again. I wish newlyweds weren't allowed to have a credit card.
  
  
• I didn't think it was important to tell Lea things she really wanted or needed to know. It took me a while to learn to simply being open and honest. Openness and honesty is one of the top needs for women. Thankfully I finally caught on.
  
  
• We didn't date. Every couple should continue to date. Whether it's going to eat together, walking together, catching a movie or just having time alone together, you need to date. It gives you time to reconnect. I challenge every husband to make it a PRIORITY to have a date with his wife! And men, you'll earn extra points by being romantic if you'll actually pick a restaurant you know she likes and have a plan for the evening rather than getting in the car and saying, “So…uh…where do you want to eat?”
  
  
• I didn't pray with Lea like I should. One if the greatest blessings in my life happened when I began to pray with Lea. Unfortunately it didn't happen early in marriage. I have now found the value of praying with my wife. The intimacy that you find praying with your spouse is second-to-none. Nothing is more special than hearing my wife pray about the hurts, joys and concerns on her heart.

What were some of the mistakes you made early in your marriage?

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage

I have been challenged today by a new study and I'm committing today to be a 5 to 1 husband!

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage

Hello bloggers! Hopefully Trey hasn't built this up so much that you will be disappointed. I liked all your suggestions for my post. I especially loved the suggestion made by an anonymous person to post about "Ten Way's to Stay in Love for 20 Years" (and hopefully more)! Here are some things Trey and I have learned from our 20 years of marriage...

• WORSHIP & PRAY TOGETHER. Statistics show that couples who attend worship services together are less likely to divorce than those who don't. Praying together builds intimacy and communication by sharing you innermost thoughts together before your Lord and creator.



• READ THE BOOK HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS by Dr. Williard Harley, or better yet, take the 8 week seminar. We attended a training seminar and have led 4 of these 8 week seminars. I believe it is the best thing we have done for our marriage.



• DON'T SPEND MORE MONEY THAN YOU MAKE. Financial problems are the #1 cause for divorce in America. Living within your means and striving to be "debt free" will greatly reduce stress in your marriage. Another "must read" is Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey. (Better yet, take the seminar and apply the principles.)



• UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT YOUR DIFFERENCES. Trey and I are polar opposites. Some of the very things that attracted me to him before we were married were the very things that drove me crazy after we were married. For the first few years of our marriage, I made us both miserable by trying to change him. It wasn't until I understood and accepted that he is exactly who God made him to be that I could overlook some minor things and truly love him for who he is. Yes, I'm going to suggest another book, but it has made a huge difference in the way I view Trey and other people. Personality Plus by Florence Littauer teaches why people are the way they are and points out the strengths and weaknesses of every personality type.



• KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN. How can you remain "one" if you never share your thoughts, concerns, and plans with one another? We have found that going walking together is one of our best times for communication away from interruptions. (The exercise is an added bonus).

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Lea, Marriage

Last week I gave you part one of my bible class notes on husbands and wives. It was about "What Wives need from their Husbands." Here's part two: "What husbands need from their wives..."

1. HUSBANDS NEED LOTS OF ADMIRATION. Husbands love it when their wives are their biggest fan. Admiration is one of the easiest needs to meet, yet often the most overlooked. He wants to hear he's a good dad, that he's still good looking, that you're proud of him, etc. Honest admiration is a great motivator for most men. Just like you do for your kids ... go ahead, heap on the praise.
2. HUSBANDS NEED A PLAYMATE. Not a playboy playmate (that's down in #5), but someone that will do things with him that he enjoys. Make him your best friend. Remember when you were dating and you did all sorts of things that you would never have chosen to do alone, just to be with him? God didn't make another man for Adam just so he could have companionship at a football game. He created woman as suited to be man's best friend. Don't ever forget it. If possible, find things you both can enjoy. When you spend time doing those things you make great memories together. One mistake that young parents make is forgetting each other's need for companionship when children come along. Children's wants and needs may begin to take precedence over your husband's needs. While wanting our children to excel and be fulfilled (and maybe even to fulfill some unmet need from our childhood), husbands are left alone with an unmet companionship need.
3. STRIVE TO BE AN ATTRACTIVE SPOUSE. "But he should love me for what I look like on the inside," many women say. You are right, but one of the reasons he fell in love with you in the first place is for what you looked like on the outside. Men are visually stimulated so dress with the aim of pleasing your husband. Strive to look like the woman he married. Wear your hair, makeup, and clothes in a way that he finds attractive and tasteful. He should be attracted to you in private and proud of you in public. You may also need to give up clothes that he finds unattractive (ie. a bathrobe, certain pajamas, shoes, etc).
4. AVOID A CONTROLLING ATTITUDE. Marriage should be about equality and not about "getting your way" in everything. A wife who nags or whines to get her way is unattractive. Solomon, the wisest man ever to live, said in Proverbs, "Better to live in the desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife."
5. STRIVE TO MAKE YOUR SEX LIFE SIZZLE. Notice I didn't say 7 things husbands want from wives, I said need. Just like men need water, food and air, God made him with the need of sexual fulfillment. He equipped you to be a perfect help suitable to fulfill that need. It is no secret that sexual fulfillment is usually a husband's number one need. Bill Ferrel makes a great statement in his book, "Red Hot Monogamy," when he says, "Sex in marriage is an interesting thing. When it's good, it can be one of the greatest delights in marriage and when it's infrequent, it can be one of the most agonizing sources of frustration." Physical intimacy can be a barometer for your relationship. Your husband may see your physical intimacy as a signal that he’s doing fine at home. Paul said this about sex in marriage in 1 Corinthians 7, "The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control." For more on "do's and don'ts" in a sexual relationship between a husband and wife, you can read Joe Beams article on "Sex in the Bible."
6. STRIVE TO BE A WARM AND WONDERFUL WIFE. We talked in number 3 about how a wife looks on the outside, but it's important that a wife be just as beautiful on the inside. Proverbs 18:22 says, "The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord." Peter says in 1 Peter 3 that a wife's inner beauty is of great value and it is found in a gentle and peaceful spirit.
7. CREATE A HOME THAT BLESSES YOUR HUSBAND. Consider what environment you and your husband both would like to experience in your home, and work to create that atmosphere. Arrange your schedule so you have enough time to be home regularly and take good care of your responsibilities there. Don’t neglect the house, but don’t become obsessed with trying to make it perfect either. Simply do your best to make your home your family’s favorite place to be, and help them create memories there that you all will cherish.

So, here are seven things that are sure to make your husband a happy boy. My challenge to you wives is show your husband the list and ask him three things...

• Are these your needs?
• Am I meeting these needs?
• How can I better meet these needs?

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage

Not long ago I told you that I'm doing lessons in both class and in worship on the family. Two of the bible class lessons I just finished were: "7 Things Wives Need from their Husbands," and "7 Things Husbands Need from their Wives." My favorite part of the class has been watching the reactions of couples while I'm teaching. Elbows have been swinging everywhere :)

Someone asked if I could include some notes from these two classes. So here's a brief outline for the husbands. I'll include the wives outline tomorrow.

7 THINGS WIVES NEED FROM THEIR HUSBANDS...

1. Court your wife creatively. Guys, you spent months and even years courting your wife before you married her. You brought her flowers, cards, notes and gifts as tokens of your love. Why stop after you're married? Go for a walk, go on a date, but don't stop courting. Try to plan a date night every week to "reconnect" each week. It's not important where you go or what you do as long as you are able to get away by yourselves and talk to each other.


2. Communicate with her cheerfully. Men, like it or not, understand it or not, women need communication. They need to talk. Communication is one of the glues of marriage that make it stick and last. There is no telling how many marriages have been killed by ineffective communication. The bible teaches and life verifies that good communication is not automatic. It must be learned and developed. Want more on how to communicate in marriage: click here?


3. Be the spiritual leader in the home. Your wife wants you to be the spiritual leader in the home. It's actually the way God designed it. Real men aren't satisfied with just providing for their families, but want to do everything God designed them to do.
4. Give your family plenty of time. Husbands, did you know that 87% of all wives said they'd be willing to have their husbands bring home less money if it meant their husbands would be home more? Wives want their husbands to give their children and families plenty of time. Don't believe the old lie that a little quality time is all that's needed. You can't get quality time without quantity time.
5. Serve her cheerfully. Don't be one of those, "That's not my job," kind of husbands. There's no such thing as a job you can't do to help out. You can load the dishwasher, clear the table, vacuum the floors or whatever else she needs help doing. Don't come home from work, plop your rear in a chair and say, "What's for supper and why is the house in such a mess?"
6. Give her some money to call her own. She ought to have some money budgeted into the budget each month that she can use for anything she wants. With her money she can get a manicure, pedicure, new shoes or anything else without being made to feel guilty.
7. Be open and honest. One of the worst things you can do in marriage is hide things from your wife. Even little things you think are insignificant should never be kept a secret. There should be no secrets in marriage. No hidden friendships, text messages, email, passwords or plans. Be open and honest.

So, there are seven things that are sure to make your wife a happy girl. Tomorrow we'll do the other list.

--------------------------

Also, I've posted part 3 from the sermon series "Extreme Home Makeover" if you've been following along. This past week's lesson was, "An Extreme Marriage Makeover." Give it a listen if you want.

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage

Growing up I remember shows like The Walton's, Father Knows Best, Leave it to Beaver, Happy Days, Bewitched, I Love Lucy and others. Most of these shows showed us a traditional family of mom, dad, and kids. They didn't seem to have any real problems because there are no story lines about prior marriages, step-children, lack of sex, chores, physical abuse, infidelity, drinking problems, drugs, dropping out of school and threats or even thoughts of divorce.

We got the idea from shows like this that marriages were perfect, every one's needs were always met, children raised themselves and never caused problems. And no matter what, you always lived happily-ever-after. Wow, how untrue.

I require in every wedding I do that I have premarital counseling with the couple. I also do some marriage counseling for couples who have been married and are having problems. In counseling there are always some things I pick up on that are myths or untruths about marriage that we have created in our minds over time. Here are a few I've noticed...

1. GOD WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY: I've heard this phrase more than any other. Most of the time it's from the person that's wanting out of a marriage and they are looking for a reason. "But I believe God wants me to be happy in marriage and I'm not," has been muttered a million times. Understand this, happiness comes and goes in marriage. You will not always be happy all of the time. It'll take work from both sides to be happy.
   
   
2. THE KEY TO A LONG MARRIAGE IS ROMANTIC LOVE AND SOME LUCK: I can't help but smile when young couples who are wanting to get married tell me, "Trey, we'll be alright. When things get bad, we'll live off the love we have for each other." It's at this time I'm usually looking for a trash can so I can throw up. Believe it or not, marriages that last are built on good old-fashion work; no one ever "lives on love." Good marriages and even great marriages don't just happen, they take work. What kind of work? Read a book, attend a weekend marriage seminar, go through a His Needs Her Needs class, take a weekend to get away without the kids, be willing to make changes in your own life or simply start by asking your spouse "How are we doing?"
   
   
3. HAVING KIDS WILL BRING YOU CLOSER TOGETHER AS A HUSBAND AND WIFE: Actually most studies show the opposite. The stress of having children often pushes the struggling marriage of a husband and wife farther apart. If you have children make sure you maintain your relationship with your spouse. Continue to date, spend time together and go for walks to keep your relationship strong with your spouse. If you focus 100% of your time and energy on your children you relationship with suffer from it.
   
   
4. COUPLES WHO LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE HAVE A BETTER CHANCE OF HAVING A LONG LASTING MARRIAGE: Actually that's false. The divorce rate is quite a bit higher for couples who have lived together before marriage than it is for those who didn't.
   
   
5. ALL MY NEEDS WILL BE MET ALL THE TIME IN MARRIAGE: That's a big whopping lie. Hopefully your spouse will do everything they can to meet your needs, but thinking every need will be met at just the perfect time is unrealistic. There will be times in your marriage that "romance" will be lacking. Your spouse won't always be there at your every beckon call for sexual fulfillment. Plain and simple, your goal is not to get your own needs met in marriage, but to meet your spouse's needs and in turn they meet yours.
   
   
6. MY SPOUSE WILL KNOW MY NEEDS WITHOUT ME SAYING ANYTHING: No way. Just because you are married doesn't mean your spouse can read your mind. You have to tell your spouse what your needs are in order to have them met. Quit giving your spouse the stupid old phrase of, "We'll you should know my needs without me having to tell you."
   
   
7. CONFLICT WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN MARRIAGE: Conflict happens in every marriage. In fact, conflict can often bring growth in your marriage. I'm not saying that the couple who is constantly having a knock-down-drag-out will have a healthy marriage, but that working through conflict can bring marital growth.
   
   
8. A HAPPY MARRIAGE WILL NOT HAVE PROBLEMS: Every marriage will have its problems. Couples who truly love each other have problems and stress just as any other two people. In order to make it through the difficult times, the couple must have a commitment to each other and effective and honest communication. Seek help when you come to an impasse.
   
   
9. MARRIED PEOPLE HAVE LESS SEX AND LESS SATISFYING SEX THAN SINGLE PEOPLE: I don't know how many times I've heard this, but it's just not true (read this). According to a national survey, married people have more sex than their single counterparts and report more physical and emotional satisfaction. Maybe it's because it the way God created it to be!!!
   
   
10. MY SPOUSE WILL CHANGE AFTER WE'RE MARRIED & THINGS WILL BE BETTER AFTER WE'RE MARRIED: People and things do change. However, the most accurate prediction of the kind of companion your spouse will be in the future is the kind of companion he or she is right now. Those who marry a person with the intention of overhauling their personality or of converting them usually face serious disappointments.

In the long run, marriage is built on good old-fashion work. Your marriage needs love, support, tolerance, communication, realistic expectations, caring, nurturing, and even a sense of humor to be successful.

Did I leave any "myths" off that you can think of?

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage, Top Ten List

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage

Nine out of ten affairs begin with an emotional attraction. It usually happens when a need that a spouse is not meeting begins to be met by another person of the opposite sex.

• You begin to talk about problems you are having with your spouse.


• You find it easier to unwind and relax with someone other than your spouse.


• You're dishonest with your spouse about things dealing with a person of the opposite sex.


• You've got a need you feel your mate isn't meeting and someone else begins to fill that need.


• You rationalize that this new relationship okay, because they are a Christian or "just a friend" and they are helping you through a difficult time.


• You look forward to being with this person more than with your own mate.


• You hide your friendship from your mate.

So, how do you keep this from happening?

• Guard Your Heart. Put a fence around your heart that protects that sacred ground that's reserved only for your spouse. Share only your deepest feelings, needs and difficulties with each other, not with friends of the opposite sex.


• Know the power of your eyes. The eyes are the window to your heart. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your window.


• Don't hide things from your spouse. One strategy of the enemy is to isolate you from your spouse, by keeping secrets from your mate.


• Get rid of any emotional attractions that have already begun. A friendship with the opposite sex that meets the needs your mate should be meeting must be ended quickly. It may be painful, but it won't be as painful as dealing with the wreckage caused by a sinful relationship.
• Never be ashamed to ask for counseling or outside help. One of the best thing that can happen in a your marriage is when you come to an impasse, you seek outside help from a reliable source.

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage

I don't know how many times I've heard women say, "My husband just can't communicate." I don't know how many times I've heard men say, "I just can't get a straight answer from my wife." There is no arguing that men and women communicate differently. God wired-up men and women very differently. While women focus on talking, men often focus on fixing things or finding solutions.

Communication is one of the glues of marriage and other relationships as well. There is no telling how many marriages have been killed by ineffective communication? The bible teaches and life verifies that good communication is not automatic. It must be learned and developed.

Here are some tips for good communication...

• DON'T SEND MIXED MESSAGES: Don't say one thing and then act another. You can't expect your spouse to read your mind. Like the man who asked his wife who'd been giving him the silent treatment, "Are you mad at me?" "I'm not mad," she replied. "Are you sure nothing is wrong?" he asked. "Nothing IS WRONG," she said. So he tries one last time and says, "I can tell something is wrong." To which she replies, "WE'LL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU." Mixed messages and the silent treatment won't accomplish anything but problems.



• TIMING: Timing is essential for the stand up comedian, the suspense novelist and even in our marriages and families. It's probably best not to meet the tired spouse who's been working all day, at the door at the end of their day to say, "We've got problems." When someone is engrossed in something or walking out the door are not times to say, "Let's talk." There's an old Chinese proverb that says, "Bad timing equals fireworks." (Ecclesiastes 3:1,7).



• PLAN: Plan your words before you say them. Solomon said in Proverbs 16:23, "Intelligent people think before they speak." That means you don't shoot from the hip, and you don't sling your words around carelessly. Planning your words means never using derogatory words like dumb, stupid, idiot and other words that tear down.



• FOCUS: If you focus on your spouse's needs (or children's needs), they will listen. You don't want to communicate to someone but with someone. (Ephesians 4:29, 5:28-29)



• LISTEN: We like talking much more than listening, but a good communicator will seek to understand then to be understood. Don't be like the jerk I know that recently said this about his wife, "If I want my wife's opinion, I'll give it to her." Be a good listener. You listen with your eyes when you make eye contact. You listen with your body by focusing on what's being said. "He who answers before listening - this is his folly and shame" Proverbs 18:13.



• ENCOURAGE: Speak positively not abrasively. Any fool can be a critic. Labeling, negativity, nagging and sarcasms don't work and aren't healthy communication. Try and finish all communication by building up, not tearing down. (Proverbs 16:21-24, Ephesians 4:26).



• REAFFIRM: Following any discussion that gets heated or when you disagree with one another, it's always good to reaffirm your commitment to one another and reaffirm your love for one another.

So, two questions for you today...

1. What do you see is the biggest problem in communication between men and women?



2. The "inability to communicate" is one of the top 5 reasons for divorce in our nation. Here's a list of the top 5 reasons for divorce today (unranked): Money, Sexual Problems, Communication, A Cheating Spouse, Children & In-laws. Rank these in the order you think they fall from #1 to #5.

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage

Last Thursday night I told Lea to put on her dancing shoes, we were going out. Actually I can't dance, but I do still date. We left the boys at home and had supper at the restaurant of her choice (unfortunately not the deuce). It was a good chance for Lea and I to just sit and visit without to many interruptions. The evening was great. I love spending time with Lea. She is without a doubt my best friend.

That night Lea told me she was glad I still knew how to "date." And it got me thinking that there's probably a lot a men who've forgotten how to date their wives. I'm not talking about just "a night out" every now and then. I'm talking date. The problem is men like to win things. We like winning at sports, games, contests and girls. Before marriage, when a man dates a woman and decides he likes her, he tries to win her. He woos her with cards, flowers, candy and other little things. The problem is once the marriage takes place we men are bad about thinking we've accomplished our goal ... "we've won her." We quit doing all those things we once did to win her. We either quit or just forget how to date. This is tough on the wives, and some men aren't bright enough to see what is going on. I have to remind myself all the time that Lea loves the "little things."

So here are a few tips for men that will make your wives really happy...

1 - Make date night a priority and a regular activity. Find a babysitter and go to supper, a movie or both. Make sure you either don't answer your cell phone or even turn it off.

2 - Ask her what she needs from you. Look her in the eyes and ask her what she needs. Then try and do it.

3 - Protect her from the world. I do everything I can to protect my wife from criticism, mean spirited people and yes, sometimes even the church.

4 - Always talk about her in a positive light. Say praising things to others about her. Especially if she's present.

5 - Pray with her. There is NO time in my marriage that I feel more oneness and intimacy than when I'm praying with my wife.

6 - Don't have separate jobs. That means it won't hurt you to get up and run a vacuum, wash the dishes or help out with the kids on a regular basis. Whoever came up with the idea that the man's only job in marriage is to "make a living" told a BIG fat lie.

7 - Treat her like a queen. Do something special for her, bring her flowers, write her a note, go shopping with her (yuck, I don't like that either), make the bed for her or call her from work just to see how she's doing.

8 - Learn the art of "non-sexual touching." For some men non-sexual touching is an oxymoron. It's two words that don't go together. But what our wives needs sometimes is their hand held, their hair stroked or their shoulder's rubbed in a non-sexual way. This is called affection and it is most likely your wife's number 1 need. Understand though, affection is not a precursor to sex. And if you still don't understand what I'm talking about, email me and I explain it a little better for you (I'm trying to keep this post rated PG-13).

9 - Take an interest in what your wife likes. You did this before you were married, why not do it again. You can't find two people more different that Lea and I, but we have learned to like each other's interests and hobbies. Try it ... you might be surprised, some of the things she likes might be fun.

10 - Be the spiritual leader in your home. Lead them to church, don't just bring them to church. Let them see you praying, reading your Bible and acting like Jesus. Be the spiritual leader in your home.

Okay girls, tell me what I left out...

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage, Top Ten List

Lea and I have always tried to attend marriage seminars, His Needs/Her Needs training and other things that build our relationship. I think every couple will agree, "We want the best marriages possible." If my marriage is bad, I want to make it good. If my marriage is good, I want to make it great. If it's great, I want to make it even better. But just like anything else, marriage takes work. Sometime hard work. Good marriages don't just happen by accident.

According to Dr. Willard Harley's book called His Needs/Her Needs. Here are the top needs of husbands & Wives:

A Husband's Top 5 Needs:
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship
An Attractive Spouse
Domestic Support
Admiration

A Wife's Top 5 Needs:
Affection
Conversation
Honesty and Openness
Financial Support
Family Commitment

A wonderful Gospel preacher from years ago named Ira North used to preach a lesson called, "Help for husbands and Wisdom for wives." His lists looked something like this.

What A Husband wants in a Wife:
A wife that will be his playmate
A wife that will dress with the aim of pleasing her husband
A wife that will give him lots of admiration
A wife who's not dominating and controlling
A wife who's warm and wonderful

What a Wife wants in a Husband:
A husband that will continually court her
A husband that will communicate in a caring way
A husband that will give the family plenty of time
A husband that will serve her cheerfully
A husband that will be the spiritual leader in the home

Dr. Harley in his book Love Busters tells us that there are a few things that kill relationships. He calls them Love Busters and lists six:

Love Busters:
Selfish demands: Who wants to live with a dictator?
Disrespectful judgements: Who wants to live with a critic?
Angry Outbursts: Who wants to live with a time bomb?
Dishonesty: Who wants to live with a liar?
Annoying Habits: Who wants to live with a dripping faucet?
Independent Thinking: Who wants to live with an inconsiderate jerk?

Helpful Marriage Links:
Dr. Willard Harley's Marriage Builders
Family Dynamics
Focus on The Family

So here's my challenge to you and I (hold me accountable) this weekend: Let's take the list above, show it to our spouses and ask them how their needs stack up to these here. Find out what his/her top 5 needs are and then make it your goal to focus on those needs this next week. Hey, why not? It's Valentine's Day next week.

Labels: His Needs Her Needs, Marriage